Monday, 21 July 2014

#10 Depleted Resources

In 1999 I was still working in Toronto. A posting came up in a city close to where my daughter, son and new granddaughter were living. My boss and coworkers assumed I’d apply, for they knew how important my children were to me. I hesitated, but not because I didn’t want to be closer to my family. The job may have been with the same company, but it would require a completely different set of skills and came with increased responsibilities. I feared the change would be too stressful.

I did as expected, ignored my inner voice, and applied for the position, and of course, got it.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Do you realize how draining it is to make decisions? I had projects to complete at the old job, a townhouse to sell, my belongings to pack. Every weekend, which was my crash and recoup time, I drove to the new city to look for a place to live. Once the living arrangements were settled it was all the other details, packing, moving, change of address, and utilities on, utilities off. My to-do list went on and on.

By the time I started the new position, with no time off in the interim, I was exhausted. I ignored the warnings my body was sending and jumped, head first into the new job. There was no gradual learning curve, but one challenge after another, with no relief.

I had let myself get into a situation where both work and home had me buried with responsibility, and I no longer had the resources to cope. I had a house for goodness sake, with snow to shovel, grass to cut, gardens to weed, leaves to rake…need I go on. As I think back I still can’t believe I let that happen. If I’d only had myself to consider, I’d have gotten a condo, or an apartment, and saved myself all that stress. But, I wanted to help my daughter, and bought a place where she and her fiancĂ© could move in with me for a short term. After their wedding, they moved to a place of their own.

I seemed to be living in a bubble, unable to look at the big picture and make the proper decisions, based on what I needed. In wanting to help my daughter, not a bad thing, mind you, I put myself in a situation that added to my stress. Why couldn’t I see that I was not using good judgement in my decision making?

I made one bad decision after another and the results were difficult to live with. I was in a strange city, away from family, friends, with no doctor even, and so no support network. My only blessing was the one friend I made at work, without her I wouldn't have made it as long as I did. 

I felt like one of those balls in a pinball machine, out of control, rebounding all over the place, until, inevitably, I would fall through the hole that would end the game.

By the end of year one in the new job, I heading straight for a relapse.

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