Saturday, 26 December 2015

No More Salt

Boy, when a girl takes a few days to enjoy some food with friends and family over the holidays, she shouldn't have to pay a penalty. All foods during the holidays should be calorie and salt free.

Wednesday was our family dinner, Thursday some crackers and cheese, some dip, some leftovers, and Christmas day more munchies and more ham.

Because those were some busy days I didn't have the time, (which means I wasn't at home parked outside the bathroom) to take my Lasix, a diuretic or water pill.

Today I woke up with my eyes all swollen, feeling bloated and puffy. I took the Lasix early and swear I have lost 5 pounds in fluid. I'm spending so much time in the bathroom I've left my book there to occupy my time with this marathon of peeing.

I have to get back on a regular schedule for this pill, as the fluid sneaks up on me and then I have trouble breathing, my hands are tight, and my ankles swollen.

There's an item for my New Year's list of resolutions. To rid myself of fluid retention.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Christmas Blues

A number of negative life events happened to me at Christmas time, so the holiday has lost some of its charm for me, but I try to put on a positive front.

Because I have children, and grandchildren, I push through the season. But now that they have homes of their own, I find it easier to get through it on my own, my way. That means go like hell, shopping wrapping presents, baking, etc. Then I buy myself a new book by one of my favorite authors, a bottle of wine, and hunker down for the actual day.

I just want it all to be over with for another year.

I know some might say I’m dwelling on the past, and really I’m not. It’s a tough time to be alone, and you can’t help but think of all the what-ifs and what might-have-beens. Over the years I’ve had many invitations to join friends and their families for Christmas, but feel that being an outsider is worse than being alone.

My son dropped in today and I showed him some of the things I’d been working on, and I’ve been very productive...painting and crocheting. (There are 13 sets of hats and mitts for the family, joke gifts and ornaments for the tree.)

I laughed and said I didn’t know why I was going crazy making all this stuff.

My very wise and understanding son replied. “Because you’re fighting the depression that hits you every Christmas by being busy.”

How nice to have someone who understands and accepts. Love you, kiddo.

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

A Rant of Frustration

I woke early this morning, barely able to make it to the bathroom and back to bed due to back pain. I settled on the heating pad, read for awhile and finally went back to sleep. When I woke a second time I felt fuzzy headed, but the pain had lessened and I could move a bit easier. This morning stiffness usually eases once I’m up and around, depending on what I do.

Last night I left my dishes in the sink, in water, and decided to leave them as I was too tired and in too much pain to stand at the sink. That mess faced me this morning. I emptied the sink of the cold water and refilled it. But before I tackled the dishes I made a coffee and sat down with my morning yogurt, as I need food with my morning pills.

It never fails though, on these days that start with pain, that the little things that make it an aggravating day are ready to give me grief. Like why I seem to be so clumsy that I have to bend over and to pick up whatever I dropped.

For example, I dropped my pen and it rolled under the sofa, and couldn’t be reached without my getting down on hands and knees. I am so embarrassed that it’s such a struggle to get up (bad knees, bad back), and I could never have managed it if I didn’t lean heavily on the chair. God forbid I ever fall and have nothing to help me get back on my feet.

I tossed something in the recycling, and it bounced off the edge of the container to land on the floor. Bend over and pick it up.

So, that’s my morning so far, and I’m writing this as I finish my coffee before I try to finally get my dishes done. I can tell the day will be a struggle. My right eye feels funny and it’s difficult to focus. For every few letters I type, I backspace to correct the errors.

It’s very frustrating as there are so many things I need to do. Christmas is only weeks away and I’m not quite done with the handmade portion of my gifts. Not going to be easy if I can’t see what I’m doing. I have only a few things left to buy as I shop early, when I can, for I can never count on being able to run around at the last minute.

Yesterday I picked up some groceries, and made a quick trip to the dollar store. I was so very fatigued by the time I got home. There were a few other errands I wanted to run, but realized that it would be impossible.

The days of my running into a store for one item are long gone. I have to do as much as I can at one place, or do without. What I do, where I go, is dependent on how far away I have to park, and how far I have to walk. Time does not rule my life, but my pain and fatigue definitely do.

To add further insult, yesterday I attempted to get all my purchases from the car to my place in one trip using the walker. At the door, all the bags I had balanced on the seat slipped and everything landed on the ground, except my eggs, which I had wisely put in the small basket attached to the front.

That was my last straw, I picked everything up (more and more bending), got my groceries put away, and made a quick sandwich for supper. I had planned to do the dishes, as they’d accumulated over the last few days, but by seven P.M. I was back in bed on the heating pad, the dishes in the sink forgotten.

Not to be a whiner, but it’s wearing, this inability to do things, and yet I know I am so much better off than others.

There are times I don’t leave the house for days on end, and have little to no company. That’s to be expected with my disease, and lucky for me, I’ve always been a homebody, content with her own company. But there are those times I wish I could go out and have some fun, some good times, but then socializing is extremely draining, all that noise and activity, trying to keep up with conversations.

I’m not sure why I feel so down today, and I apologize that I used this forum to vent. But sometimes, just saying it, whether it’s out loud to a sympathetic listener, or in writing for a stranger to read, it helps me get through the day.

I’m heading back to bed as soon as the dishes are done. I refuse to leave them and have to begin a third time. Maybe after a nap I’ll feel better and can manage some of the projects waiting for me.

Thanks for being my sounding board.