A Rant of Frustration

I woke early this morning, barely able to make it to the bathroom and back to bed due to back pain. I settled on the heating pad, read for awhile and finally went back to sleep. When I woke a second time I felt fuzzy headed, but the pain had lessened and I could move a bit easier. This morning stiffness usually eases once I’m up and around, depending on what I do.

Last night I left my dishes in the sink, in water, and decided to leave them as I was too tired and in too much pain to stand at the sink. That mess faced me this morning. I emptied the sink of the cold water and refilled it. But before I tackled the dishes I made a coffee and sat down with my morning yogurt, as I need food with my morning pills.

It never fails though, on these days that start with pain, that the little things that make it an aggravating day are ready to give me grief. Like why I seem to be so clumsy that I have to bend over and to pick up whatever I dropped.

For example, I dropped my pen and it rolled under the sofa, and couldn’t be reached without my getting down on hands and knees. I am so embarrassed that it’s such a struggle to get up (bad knees, bad back), and I could never have managed it if I didn’t lean heavily on the chair. God forbid I ever fall and have nothing to help me get back on my feet.

I tossed something in the recycling, and it bounced off the edge of the container to land on the floor. Bend over and pick it up.

So, that’s my morning so far, and I’m writing this as I finish my coffee before I try to finally get my dishes done. I can tell the day will be a struggle. My right eye feels funny and it’s difficult to focus. For every few letters I type, I backspace to correct the errors.

It’s very frustrating as there are so many things I need to do. Christmas is only weeks away and I’m not quite done with the handmade portion of my gifts. Not going to be easy if I can’t see what I’m doing. I have only a few things left to buy as I shop early, when I can, for I can never count on being able to run around at the last minute.

Yesterday I picked up some groceries, and made a quick trip to the dollar store. I was so very fatigued by the time I got home. There were a few other errands I wanted to run, but realized that it would be impossible.

The days of my running into a store for one item are long gone. I have to do as much as I can at one place, or do without. What I do, where I go, is dependent on how far away I have to park, and how far I have to walk. Time does not rule my life, but my pain and fatigue definitely do.

To add further insult, yesterday I attempted to get all my purchases from the car to my place in one trip using the walker. At the door, all the bags I had balanced on the seat slipped and everything landed on the ground, except my eggs, which I had wisely put in the small basket attached to the front.

That was my last straw, I picked everything up (more and more bending), got my groceries put away, and made a quick sandwich for supper. I had planned to do the dishes, as they’d accumulated over the last few days, but by seven P.M. I was back in bed on the heating pad, the dishes in the sink forgotten.

Not to be a whiner, but it’s wearing, this inability to do things, and yet I know I am so much better off than others.

There are times I don’t leave the house for days on end, and have little to no company. That’s to be expected with my disease, and lucky for me, I’ve always been a homebody, content with her own company. But there are those times I wish I could go out and have some fun, some good times, but then socializing is extremely draining, all that noise and activity, trying to keep up with conversations.

I’m not sure why I feel so down today, and I apologize that I used this forum to vent. But sometimes, just saying it, whether it’s out loud to a sympathetic listener, or in writing for a stranger to read, it helps me get through the day.

I’m heading back to bed as soon as the dishes are done. I refuse to leave them and have to begin a third time. Maybe after a nap I’ll feel better and can manage some of the projects waiting for me.

Thanks for being my sounding board.