It hit me full force this morning, though I shouldn’t have been surprised. If I’m honest with myself I’ve felt it coming on for a few weeks now.
The “it” is depression. From the minute I woke up I’ve been fighting back tears. My emotions seem to be right on the surface. Maybe this is why I’ve been on a bit of a self destructive bender this last week. By that I mean staying up most of the night and sleeping most of the day, a great way to avoid life.
I’ve had depressive episodes before. Most often these were reactive in nature. I bottomed out after my Mom died, after I was given my MS diagnosis, and one other time, when I went on disability. For those episodes I went on Prozac, and weaned myself off the medication a few months later.
There have been other episodes, cases of the blues, the doldrums, and I’ve just plodded my way through them, sans medication. This latest change of mood is probably due to the holiday. For the last two years I’ve done the NaNo challenge (write a novel in 30 days) and finished with barely three weeks until Christmas and so much to do. I decided not to participate this year, but to work on completing the book I had in progress and concentrated on writing and getting ready for the holidays.
I’ve made some personal items for family, things like hats, boot cuffs, head bands etc. And let’s not forget the 11 stockings I made for the kids and their families.
OK, let’s be honest. The fact that my fatigue has reached a level that I can’t do near what I want to do, the pain interferes with everything, it’s the cognitive issues with memory and concentration that have me down.
It’s the cognitive issues that have had me struggling to finish this current book. But now I have the ending, and I see the finish in sight, and I’m frustrated that I can’t concentrate to put the words together.
So I did the smart thing, I called a friend and asked if she wanted to go to Swiss Chalet for dinner, an annual holiday event for my kids and I when they were small, an yearly event with my friend for the last few Christmases.
I told her I needed a “Festive” dinner, and if a nice meal doesn’t work, there’s always the chocolate that goes with it. Chocolate has been the cure for many things, maybe it will help my mood this time.