I don’t know why I did it...stayed up most of the night reading. The words were blurring on the page and I knew I was pushing my limits but I never put the book down until I reached the end, and then hoped to sleep.
It helps that I don’t have to worry about schedules. If I stay up late and sleep most of the day, who cares? What does it matter?
I’m not sure if this was a bit of a back lash to my cupcake disaster of the day before, maybe a bit of rebellion on my part that tells me I’m not as peacefully giving in to my disease as I’d thought.
Acceptance is a hard fought battle.
When I woke a few hours later, I wasn’t ready to face the day. I grabbed another book off the bedside table, where there’s quite a stack, and decided to read awhile first.
Uh oh, not going to happen. Double vision and that bright light, something I’ve experienced maybe three times in the last fifteen years. The result of too much stress, too much doing, and not enough sleep.
I put the book down and tried to sleep, or at least rest. When I tried to read later it was the same, so I got up, made my coffee and did little but sit with my feet up and watched television. It soon went away, and I was back to normal, well, my normal at least.
That night I couldn’t sleep, but I was so tired. I think being overtired does not allow the body to effectively sleep. Maybe when there’s an underlying tension that does not allow one to relax.
I know I don’t sleep well, and I’m my own worst enemy. I don’t keep a regular schedule, so my body maybe gets confused. I think I’m in a chronic state of sleep deprivation.
So, for this New Year, my resolution is to work on sleep, and the getting enough of it. I’m going to try, seriously try, to go to bed on a regular schedule, read for a short time, put the book down, and go to sleep. And when I hit that wall during the day, when the fatigue is overwhelming, I’ll lie down, close my eyes and rest, if not sleep, rather than push through it.
I think it will take a while, but I hope that consistently getting effective sleep will make a positive change in my life. Only time will tell.