What Happens in the Past...

This is the same post I put on my other blog today, I'm sharing it here because it also relates to an issue of my MS.

My thirteen year old granddaughter delights in hearing stories about her mother’s teenage years. Her mother doesn’t.

As the family was gathered for dinner Sunday night a few stories were told about noisy neighbours and all night partying. My brother, who is a big guy and can look intimidating, used his physical presence to get the point across to the party-goers he was telling us about.

I laughed and said he could have called the police as my neighbours had done when my then teenage daughter had a party one night I was away. I did cover my granddaughter’s ears so I didn’t let out any family secrets.

As I related the story my daughter was adamant in her denial that it ever happened. After all, she said, “You’re cognitively impaired.”

I looked at her with surprise. She was right in what she’d said, and I had to laugh. I do have memory issues related to my MS, but sorry kiddo, it pertains to working, or short term memory, not long time, old memories.

We’ve all had to adapt our way of communicating, and my children have been very supportive with my memory issues. Supportive and comfortable enough to joke about it.

As my daughter said, laughing, she wasn’t admitting to anything and was using whatever was convenient to support her position of denial. It was a fun moment, a feel good moment that let me feel part of the group when I can so often feel separate.

Old Fashioned Recipes

Here's a link to some old fashioned recipes. I liked the opening, the talk of family get-togethers and the importance food has in so many of our memories. It says exactly what I was feeling, and maybe explains some of my feelings about giving up baking and cooking.


http://www.recipelion.com/Editors-Picks/25-Charming-Old-Fashioned-Recipes/ml/1/?utm_source=ppl-newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=recipelion20140929

Bake No More

We had our family Thanksgiving dinner early this year. We have to adhere to an every other weekend schedule if we want the whole group together, for a number of reasons. And this weekend was perfect because my daughter had her niece and nephew for the weekend and the majority of the family would be in the same place come Sunday.

My daughter cooked the entire meal on her own, a feat she made appear effortless late in the afternoon, though I imagine we missed some stressful moments from earlier in the day, especially with six kids running about the house.

My responsibility was to bring the dessert, pumpkin pie being the 1^st choice for everyone. Years ago it would have been nothing for me to bake up a storm of pies, along with some other tasty treats. In these last few years I’ve resorted to store bought pies with some added home baking.

It’s been hard to admit but I feel my baking days are behind me, and I’m left with the memories of baking for the family, baking with my grandchildren.

I need my stool when working in the kitchen, as I can’t stand for long without pain in my back. The bar type stool works well except it means I have to do everything with my arms raised high. So baking, and using the mixer, is difficult. Within minutes the mixer feels heavy and I’m struggling. I’ve tried to adapt, using cake mixes instead of using a recipe, making cakes or cupcakes the day ahead to spread out the effort required.

But it’s not just the physical struggle; it’s the mental strain while struggling physically. It means mistakes are made and results get tossed in the garbage. Of late there have been more failures than successes.

Saturday I baked a new recipe, adapting the recipe to make it easier, and doing without one ingredient that I figured was optional. The whole mess went into the garbage.

So, on my way to dinner I stopped at the store, intent on buying two pies, apple and pumpkin. Either a lot of other people were also celebrating an early Thanksgiving or the store doesn’t stock pumpkin pies until closer to the actual holiday, but there was no pumpkin pie to be found.

Just in case I bought an apple and a strawberry/rhubarb, added in some butter tarts as they are always a family favourite.

Guilt is a terrible thing. I felt like I was letting my family down. This was another loss for me, something else to add to the Can’t Do Anymore list, making my Can Do list a little shorter. It’s much more than an activity, it’s a part of who I was, who I was to my family and grandchildren.

I guess you’d have to be there to fully understand, but for me the whole situation just sucks. But, at the same time, admitting it makes things easier, and maybe I’ll rid my shelves of all the baking paraphernalia and gain some cupboard space. I’m trying to think positive.

By the time I got to M & M’s the guilt hadn’t worn off completely. I got the pumpkin pie, and added a box of mini éclairs I thought the kids might like. We ended up with way too many sweets, which was fine with the grandkids, and everyone got some pie to take home.

I need to find those recipes that are easy to make, maybe stovetop instead of baked, and wean myself off this need to cook for the kids, but it’s been such a pleasure point in my life.

Baby steps, it’s all baby steps.

Unproductive Time

I’ve previously written about my ongoing fatigue and I have to say the mental fatigue or brain fog is sometimes worse than the physical. With the mental fatigue I am unable to think, unable to do, but even if physically tired I can do some things, like write or crochet.

I had a toothache over the long weekend, and figured I’d call the dentist on the Tuesday for an emergency appointment. But that Sunday night I came down with a cold and felt the fates were on my side. By Tuesday I may have been suffering from a head cold and a constant cough, but the toothache seemed to go away.

I endured the week, was visited by the soup fairy who brought me soup and cough lozenges and by the next week, I was finally getting better. But it had been a totally unproductive week, at least for what I’d hoped to accomplish.

In the middle of all that, as I was recovering from the cold, I hurt my finger so my excursions out were to the grocery store and the walk-in clinic. I did make it out for my usual Thursday lunch but it was a short day, and I was glad because I wasn’t up for much.

I had the toothache again over the weekend and finally saw the dentist on Tuesday, two weeks from the time I was originally going to call, and ended up with an extraction because of an abscessed tooth. One more thing to deal with.

Two weeks of one issue after another, one of those “hit her while she’s down” things. Here I am still dealing with the remnants of the cold, that persistent cough, a permanently bent finger that still hurts, a toothache and an extraction, and then the windshield wipers on my car won’t work.

I want to SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMM. But I won’t.

It’s Thursday and my friend is picking me up for our weekly lunch and this week we are going to write. It’s just what I need to get over the last two weeks, to leave all that wasted and unproductive time behind me and get working again.

Understanding Chronic Fatigue

Someone asked me the other day how I could say I was tired when I did so much. Really? I was completely blown away with that person’s total lack of understanding.

Just this past week, when I went to the store, it marked the first day in the last ten that I had left the house. First it was the cold and cough and generally feeling yucky, then it was a leftover sense of fatigue, worse than usual.

I made plans to go out that Sunday because I needed groceries and more important, I needed yarn. And look where going out got me, that’s the day I tore the tendon in my little finger and now it’s permanently bent, medically known as Mallet finger.

But it got me out of the house two days in a row as a friend drove me to the walk-in clinic on Monday to have the finger looked at and we went out for lunch.

I spend my days at home, sitting in my chair for the most part, on the computer, reading or crocheting. Without these things to occupy my day I’m sure I would go crazy.

This morning I had to take the garbage out, and as I’m not walking well today because of back pain, it was a chore. I met my two neighbours outside, and since it’s a cool but sunny day, we visited, with me sitting on the edge of the garbage bin.

So now I’m back inside, sitting in my chair, my eyes heavy and feeling totally worn out, and it’s only 11:30 in the morning.

I usually start the day with coffee and my daily yogourt, while I check things on social media. That’s E-mail, Facebook and both of my blogs. I check out Amazon daily, always hoping there might be some sales for my books available for Kindle.

I like to write in the mornings when I think my concentration is better. It used to be I’d write late into the night but I’m not good for much late at night but reading, maybe playing games on the computer. I can’t write and I can’t crochet, my eyes are too blurry.

From basically lunch time until I go to bed I fill my day with whatever catches my interest. Last week I did a lot of crocheting, Christmas projects, and I wrote posts for the blog. I didn’t feel up to par because of the cold so I had to set the book aside, not enough energy to think and write an ongoing story.

I can spend hours going back and forth from Facebook, Pinterest and the number of craft sites I get daily newsletters from. Those are the days I have brain fog and can’t get my mind to concentrate, days when even the simplest crochet pattern doesn’t seem to make sense, I can’t remember words and am lost as to what my book characters are doing. Those are the days I sleep a good part of the day away.

When I go out, as I usually do every Thursday, lunch with a friend, I come home exhausted. But the day out, the social time is worth the resulting fatigue.

For the ‘normal’ person who has things to do, places to be, a busy life, it may appear I accomplish a lot. But for someone who is faced with more than fifteen hours of a day to fill, I’m not accomplishing anything compared to what I might if I had the energy.

That insensitive comment really irks me. It has taken time for my friends and family to understand, and I haven’t had to make excuses for my lack of participation. It’s so nice when you have people in your life who understand.

Like my son who checks in with me regularly, asking if I need anything and just to ask how I’m doing. He takes care of my garden, other than the watering of my pots, which is why those plants didn’t survive the whole summer. Out of sight, out of mind. He’ll pack up my planters, my gazing ball and my plant stands and store them for the winter.

My daughter who calls and asks if I need anything at the store, can she get it for me or if I want to go, she’ll pick me up. I can shop better when she picks me up, but then she also packs my groceries and carries them in the house.

Getting dressed to go out is an effort and you have no idea how much energy it takes to walk out to my car, lift the walker in and get in the car. I need a rest before I even start the motor. I hate heading out to run errands with my eyes feeling heavy and my body weak.  It is such a luxury to be picked up at my door and not have to drive.

And then there’s my writing buddy, my Thursday lunch date. She picks me up and always asks if there’s any place I need to go while we’re out. Sometimes we’ll go to a store I’ve wanted to get to but haven’t managed it when groceries would have been my main focus. She’s always good for a stop at Staples, but that’s a dangerous place for two paper lovers like us.

I’ve joked for years about living a half life, needing to rest before a day of activity and crashing the day after. It was true, but at the same time I was managing to have days of activity. Since my relapse last year that half life looks good and I wish I had the energy to do what I managed to do back then.

So here it is, after 1 o’clock in the afternoon and all I’ve done today is put the garbage out and write this blog. I’m tired, bone tired, and I know a nap may feel good but it won’t make the fatigue go away. Good thing though, my back is better, because I rubbed it with Voltaren gel, or because I put on the magnet bracelet I forgot yesterday after my bath?

Maybe I’ll have a bite of lunch and a short nap. I’d like to do some crocheting later, too many unfinished projects to complete. Whatever gets you through the day, right?

Brain Fog

When I was writing my blog for the A-Z Blog Challenge, I chose “T” is for tree as my topic because they were going to cut down the tall tree in my yard next week.

I had a particularly bad moment, and have lived it twice that day. Brain Fog. I think it’s a case of brain fog, of the word search variety. I was trying to talk about having the ugly tree stump left after they cut the tree down, but could not remember the word ‘stump’ no matter what I did. I called it a root base, and knew it was wrong, knew there was a word for what I was describing, but couldn’t come up with it.

At the end of the blog I mentioned seeing pictures of how trees were made into fairy houses and searched on Pinterest for a picture. Well, I found a picture and it had a caption. ‘Fairy House made out of a tree stump’.

STUMP. Stump was the elusive word I’d been searching my addled brain for, and couldn’t find. I went back and made some corrections in the blog, thinking how much easier it read, how much more sense it made when I used the correct word.

Unfortunately, not all episodes of brain fog are so easily resolved. A recent craft project has made me want to do something arty. I don’t have a good set up for painting and had something else in mind. For further inspiration I went back to Pinterest. The empty search box stared back at me. What was that word for the type of art I was interested in? I can’t remember. I feel like it’s on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t find it.

I searched “Sculpture’. Not what I wanted and though searching through various boards was inspirational, it was not what I was seeking. I tried ‘Embellishments’, not that either. I can picture it in my head, can almost see the ward, but it escapes me.

And with that frustration any energy I had to start some art project has been defeated. It’s just that easy to change a positive mood into a negative, as once again, my brain has let me down. Now I feel no inspiration, no creative energy, and no desire to do anything.

Tres Fatigue

I cancelled out on plans yesterday because I just didn’t feel up to going out and sitting about socializing. People don’t understand how really tiring it is to talk to people, to keep track of multiple conversations, to sit upright and pay attention.

I’ve had a rough week and I just wanted to stay home, wanted it enough I passed up on the barbecued steak my son has promised me all summer. Social time with strangers is stressful, but just because its family doesn’t mean it’s any easier.

My son dropped in with the kids and we had a visit her, after which I had a nap. I have plans for today, though the way I’m feeling I want to cancel.

I usually shower or bathe at night as the exertion, combined with the heat of the water, leaves me exhausted. A better feeling before going to bed than going out. But I wasn’t up to it last night.

I’ve showered and now, as I write this, my head is pounding, my eyes are heavy and I need to rest. I knew it was a bad idea to shower before I went out but I didn’t have any choice. Why does something so necessary and so everyday cause my day to be ruined and lost. I’m feeling the brain fog taking over.

Soon I’ll have to get dressed, walk out to my car, load the walker, drive to my friends and meet all my old neighbours and pretend I want to be there. It all seems too much and it’s much easier to just stay home.

And really, I would like to be there, to meet with some friends, but not when I can barely keep my head up. I’m going to take a couple of advil and lie down, maybe a miracle will occur and I’ll feel better when I get up.