I was to attend the annual meeting for a
community organization to which I belong, and faced a dilemma. I looked forward
to the opportunity to shop at the mall, where the meeting was being held, but
knew I couldn’t comfortably do the walking without the walker.
I had not been in the mall for years, and
wanted to finally use the gift card I’d been holding on to for thirteen months.
When I spoke to my daughter in the morning (she was attending the same meeting)
to confirm travel plans I informed her I was going to take the walker…and
immediately burst into tears.
I had initiated the purchase of the walker,
had used it without reservation, or so I’d thought. Actually, I had not
accepted it at all, not really. It was OK to use the walker within my complex, walking
to and from the car, but I had never used it ‘out in public’. There are
different levels of disability, a minor one that requires a cane, and a more
major one that needs a walker; the next step could only be a wheelchair. Right?
All this emotional angst, and I hadn’t left the house yet.
To use the walker for the first time in
front of people who had seen me with the cane, who knew of my disease was
easier, but I still felt like I was being outed, or maybe labelled is a better
word.
I did a bit of shopping before the meeting,
enjoyed window shopping and the book store, and was feeling comfortable with
the walker. The meeting went well; we got a table in the corner where I had
space to leave the walker, within reach but out of other’s way.
After the meeting it was time to spend my
gift certificate. The store I wanted was, of course, at the far end of the
mall. I made my way there and proceeded to shop. The spaces in the women’s
clothing section were narrow, and I had trouble getting the walker through
without snagging clothes or knocking items to the floor. I turned down aisles
only to find the end blocked and had to turn around and go back. I began to
feel like I was on an obstacle course and the challenge was to find my way
through the maze.
Finally, I found things to buy and took my
purchases to the cashier. By this time I was tired from too much walking, the
social activity and the general stress of the day. When the clerk had a problem
with the gift card it was the final straw. I was in too much pain to stand, and
my brain was about to enter a fog. Why did there have to be a problem with
everything?
I turned with a look of apology to the
woman waiting beside me and caught sight of the walker. Suddenly I realized I
had a seat. I didn’t have to struggle to stand, I could sit and wait.
Being able to sit for those few minutes
saved me that day. I’m not sure if I could have made it back to the centre
court of the mall to meet my daughter if I hadn’t had that time to rest and
calm myself. All the frustration of those few minutes of shopping, the pain,
getting overheated wearing my winter coat, the bending to replace things on
shelves or hangars, had stressed me to the max, which meant an increase in
symptoms.
I can’t say that it was a happy ending,
baby steps, I’m taking it in baby steps. I haven’t been in a mall since that
day. I still use the cane and only shop where I can use a cart. Being able to
lean on the cart eases my pain, and though it may not be as good as sitting but
its better than the cane alone.
Next time, it’ll be easier. The first time
is always the hardest.
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