Thursday, 9 October 2014

How Much is Too Much?

One of the problems with a disability like MS, and there are so many to chose from, is the loss of independence and the need to ask for help. When you have been able to do for yourself, it’s very difficult to admit you no longer can, that you need a helping hand.

There are certain things I struggle with on a daily basis, like standing (bad back), bending (bad knee), walking (off balance) and activity (too easily fatigued). So I’ve adapted the best I can, have assisted devices like a gripper, a cane and a walker. I have a shower chair and a stool in the kitchen.

I’ve had to accept help with my housework, vacuuming is just too painful, and gardening, too much bending. Some days it’s too much effort to cook, too easy to leave the dishes until the next day, and I’ve learned I can’t let the laundry pile up or I can’t get the bag off the stand.

I have trouble relinquishing these day to day tasks to others. I’m embarrassed, maybe a bit ashamed. I don’t know what will happen when I need help with personal care?

At what point do you lose your identity, your sense of self and become The Burden? When do you become the call inspired by guilt rather than true caring? I feel my friends becoming more distant, and why not? I can’t do the same things anymore, and I’ll admit, am not always the best of company.

My world is getting smaller all the time, shrinking along with my support system. There have been too many changes in this last year. I’m so tired of the frustration, the fatigue, and the failures. As winter looms, all I can think about is what changes will this change of season bring, and will I cope to get through it?

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