One of the problems with a disability like MS, and there are
so many to chose from, is the loss of independence and the need to ask for
help. When you have been able to do for yourself, it’s very difficult to admit
you no longer can, that you need a helping hand.
There are certain things I struggle with on a daily basis,
like standing (bad back), bending (bad knee), walking (off balance) and
activity (too easily fatigued). So I’ve adapted the best I can, have assisted
devices like a gripper, a cane and a walker. I have a shower chair and a stool
in the kitchen.
I’ve had to accept help with my housework, vacuuming is just
too painful, and gardening, too much bending. Some days it’s too much effort to
cook, too easy to leave the dishes until the next day, and I’ve learned I can’t
let the laundry pile up or I can’t get the bag off the stand.
I have trouble relinquishing these day to day tasks to
others. I’m embarrassed, maybe a bit ashamed. I don’t know what will happen
when I need help with personal care?
At what point do you lose your identity, your sense of self
and become The Burden? When do you become the call inspired by guilt rather
than true caring? I feel my friends becoming more distant, and why not? I can’t
do the same things anymore, and I’ll admit, am not always the best of company.
My world is getting smaller all the time, shrinking along
with my support system. There have been too many changes in this last year. I’m
so tired of the frustration, the fatigue, and the failures. As winter looms,
all I can think about is what changes will this change of season bring, and
will I cope to get through it?
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