Avoidance

I’ve been avoiding this blog site, and have no excuses other than I realize I was avoiding putting into words the way I was feeling.

A hot summer, a busy time with a fall wedding, I knew I needed some time to regroup and get back to my ‘normal’. It didn’t happen. I then blamed the holidays, but I could feel the changes, slow for sure, but still changes. I was weaker, my was fatigue kicking in faster than before.

With a disease like MS, the changes can be slow and subtle. I find I do little things to adapt physically, without actually being aware of what I’m doing.

Case in point. I know my fatigue is much more problematic. I feel exhausted just getting ready to go out, and push myself through the activity. Sleep does nothing to ease this kind of tiredness.

I’ve gone from cane to walker, and do better with that two handed support, and make use of the cart in stores for the same reason.

But, I realized the new habit I’d acquired…and it was light bulb time. Whenever I sit where I have no upper body support, I place my hands on my knees or thighs and let my arms take the weight of my head and shoulders.

I became aware I take this stance when I go to the bathroom, something I’d thought was for those sleepy, middle of the night excursions, but was something I did routinely in some form or another, elbows on the table, counters, the cart or the walker. Even when driving I was pushing, straight armed against the steering wheel for support.

The overwhelming fatigue I felt had driven me from my wing back chair to my bed. By the time I have dinner, I’m done, and I have to lie down where I have full body support.

I’m losing upper body strength, and indicator of the ongoing decline in my condition, and the slow, but steady progression of my disease.